Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

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Getting Off the Dead-End Road

by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

"You are so thoughtless," Jane* says, tearfully.

"How was I supposed to know that you wanted to go out for dinner on your birthday?" Mark replies. "Your birthday was Monday, and I took you out on Saturday. Two nights earlier! You've known for months that I had to be in Baltimore on Monday to help my mom move to the assisted living program."

"You didn't have to plan her move on my birthday. You could have picked any day this month, and I wouldn't have had to spend my 40th birthday alone."

"Like I already told you, at least seven times, last Monday was the best day because it was the only time my sister could come down to help."

"How often do I turn 40?"

"Well, if you would have told me you wanted to celebrate your birthday on your birthday back in July when we were planning the move, instead of expecting me to read your mind, maybe we could have done this differently."

"We've been married for 15 years," Jane answers sarcastically. "You'd think my husband would know me by now."

Once again, Jane and Mark are at it. The details are different, but the argument is the same. Jane accuses and Mark defends. They've been having versions of this fight since long before I met them. In the short time we've been working together, I've already witnessed several.

"What are you really fighting about?" I ask.

Jane's responds immediately. "I'm angry that he never thinks about me. He just does what he wants."

"I'll tell you what I am fighting about," Mark snaps. "I am fed up with her expectation that I should know what she wants without her telling me. I never know what she wants! But, I'm still supposed to do it!"

I know that their fight isn't really about Mark's ignoring Jane's wishes, or Jane's expecting Mark to read her mind. It's simply about each of them believing that they are entitled to have things go the way they want; and, that they are right and their partner is wrong.

And behaving this way is giving Jane and Mark an unhappy marriage.

I tell Jane and Mark what I'm seeing, that their fights are not about the content, but about the underlying struggle to be right. Mark looks at Jane and then at me and shakes his head. Jane shrugs and crosses her arms, both of them rejecting this view of their essential disagreement.

"Sorry," Jane insists. "I'm sure that all of my friends would say that he should have been with me on my 40th birthday."

"No way. The simple truth is that she doesn't tell me what she wants," Mark retorts. "She has such impossible expectations."

Neither is ready to budge. They keep claiming the moral high ground, no matter how miserable this is making them.

Jane and Mark have some tough work ahead, because neither is ready to consider a new way of seeing things. If they are to have a warmer, less bitter relationship, I know that they will have to recognize two fundamental realities:

Your partner is a different person with a different point of view

You can't make your partner see it your way

When couples realize that they are having the same fight, over and over, they can then seriously consider if they want to keep having an irresolvable fight. Mark and Jane will each insist that they are right until they decide to stop going down this road. Then, things can move in a new direction. I see this happen, again and again.

Think about the conflicts you have in your own relationship. Do you suspect that you may be having different variations of the same fight, over and over, without really knowing what you're fighting about? Do you feel stuck on a dead-end road, going in circles over the same fundamental disagreements, without any resolution?

Don't despair. No matter how stuck you may feel, it is possible to see things from another perspective, and to move onto a different path.

If you, or you and your partner, are ready to try something new, but can't figure out how to get out of the loop you are in, I can help. Feel free to give me a call.

*All names and identifying details changed.

Click here to learn about couples therapy in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.

Click here to learn about individual therapy in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.

This article may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

~ 15 years experience ~

"I help clients create strong relationships
and fulfilling lives."

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008

Ready to take the next step?
Call or e-mail Dr. Michael Radkowsky:

202.234.3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com