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Getting Clear is Hard to Do
by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
"I don't know what to do."
Adam*, 42, has been married to Susan for 12 years, and it has been a good marriage. There's just one problem. Over the years, Adam has become increasingly sure that he wants to be a father, while Susan has concluded that she does not want to raise children.
"I want to spend my life with Susan, and I want to be a dad. I don't see how I can have both. If I leave Susan, there are no guarantees that I will ever even meet someone I'd like to parent with."
"You're right," I say. "There are no guarantees about what will happen."
"But if I stay with her, I definitely won't have kids. And I can't see going through life without becoming a dad."
At first glance, Adam's situation may seem extreme, but all of us will face a similar dilemma, many times in our lives:
What do you do when you have to make a decision, but both of your choices have significant drawbacks?
"If I only knew how this would turn out," Adam says in our next session. "If I knew for certain that I would meet someone wonderful in the next few years, who wanted to become a mom, this might be easier." He pauses. "But maybe it wouldn't be any easier. The idea of leaving Susan is awful. No matter how wonderful some other woman might be, she wouldn't be Susan. How do I throw away 12 years?"
"You could stay with Susan," I remind him.
And then Adam is back on the other side of his ambivalence, the side that does not want to give up his dream of becoming a father.
When I work with people in Adam's situation, who are having to make such tough, life-altering decisions, I'm impressed by how life sometimes forces us to decide what is most important to us.
"You know, Adam," I say, "sometimes you have to choose. Even if choosing means giving up something that is profoundly important to you."
"But I can't," he answers plaintively. "I can't leave Susan."
"OK."
"But then that means I'll never be a father."
"Unless she changes her mind."
"Which she won't. I know that," he concludes.
Time passes. Adam states that he can't make a decision.
"You know, Adam," I say, "by not making a decision, you are making a decision."
"What do you mean?"
"You're staying in your relationship with Susan."
"No, I just haven't figured out what to do yet."
"But you're living your life, going forward with Susan."
"I'm with her now, but I'm not sure I want to stay with her," he replies.
"So you have one foot out the door?"
"Well—" he pauses, then continues thoughtfully. "I suppose you could say that. I'm not making any plans with her beyond the next few months. I'm not sure I see myself with her, long-term. So until I can decide that, I'm sort of keeping myself at a distance."
"Do you want to continue living like this? One foot in, and one foot out?" I ask.
After some time, Adam replies. "No. Actually, I don't want to keep living like this. I want to have both feet in." He has gotten clear that he wants to stop dancing around both sides of this issue, and commit to a course of action.
"So how will you decide what you want to commit to?"
Adam now faces the same task that we all face: Getting clear about what is truly most important. It's difficult work. But it's also essential for a meaningful life. Understanding the importance of choosing a direction will help Adam make his decision.
If you, like Adam, are looking to make the most of your life, feel free to give me a call. I'd be glad to help you get clear on how you want to move forward.
*All names and identifying details altered in this article.
Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist
~ 20 years experience ~
"I help clients create strong relationships and fulfilling lives."
3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
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Call or e-mail Dr. Michael Radkowsky:
202.234.3278
Copyright © 2002-2011 Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. All rights reserved in all media.