Thoughtmail December 2007 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

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December 2007

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Who Keeps You Calm?

"My boss is making me nuts!"

For the last few weeks, Ben* has been upset by the way his new supervisor talks to him. "He's so demanding. He's so accusatory." Ben mimics him with an imperious tone: "'Are you making this a priority?' 'Did you get back to the client?' He gives me the feeling that he thinks I'm incompetent."

"Sounds familiar."

"You mean me and Liz?"

Since I have known Ben, he has been bothered by the tone that his wife occasionally uses with him. "She talks to me like I don't know what I'm doing!" he has often complained. "'What temperature did you run the kids' bath?' 'Did you remember to fill up the gas tank?' As if I don't know how to do anything."

"My boss is worse than Liz," Ben continues now. "And anyhow, Liz is doing better. For my birthday she agreed not to criticize me anymore."

"How did you get her to agree to that?"

"I told her that I couldn't take it anymore, walking around my own home feeling like an idiot all the time."

"You really felt like an idiot?"

"Well...." He continues without answering my question: "It's not pleasant, having someone who is supposed to love you talk to you like you're a moron. I told Liz I'd had enough of that when I was a kid."

From our work together, I know that Ben spent his childhood listening to his mother compare him, unfavorably, to his older brother.

"So I told Liz that she needed to understand my history and start giving me a break."

Ben is raising an important issue: What do you do when you are disturbed by how someone close to you acts? Do you ask them to change, or find another way to keep yourself calm?

"I wonder how it will work for Liz to 'give you a break' when you do something she really doesn't like," I ask.

"Look," replies Ben. "I get really anxious when I feel criticized. So why not ask for a break from the criticism?"

"Are we talking about Liz now, or your boss?" I ask.

"I meant Liz. I can't very well tell my boss how to talk, can I?"

"You can," I say. "But you may not keep your job. Do you think you'll keep Liz?"

"I don't know." He seems taken aback by the question. "I hope so."

"Do you know how she likes having you set limits on what she can say to you?"

"She's ribbing me about it a little. But she's really watching her tone. She actually agreed with me that she is sometimes kinda harsh for no good reason."

"So, do you want to depend on her behavior to keep your anxiety in check?"

"Why not? It's working pretty well so far," Ben replies. "I feel a lot calmer at home these days."

"What do you think will happen when you really make her mad, intentionally or not, and she doesn't feel like holding back?"

Ben pauses for a long moment. "I see your point. But...what can I do instead?"

Though it feels great to have the goodwill and support of those you love (and those who employ you), it can be dangerous to rely on them to keep you feeling safe. When they don't behave as you want, you will be in a jam. In my work, I help clients find ways to manage their anxiety and their well-being on their own. When you can do that, you can take care of yourself and know that you will get through whatever difficulty you are facing, even when someone close disappoints or hurts you.

*All names and identifying details altered in this article.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com