Thoughtmail October 2007 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

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October 2007

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

How Do You Rate Yourself?

Mark* is sad. He's just been broken up with, for the fourth time in two years.

"I feel miserable," he tells me. "Once again, I'm alone. What's wrong with me? I was really trying to do my best. I'm always really trying to do my best. And somehow I keep winding up alone."

"Why does being alone make you so miserable?"

Mark considers this question for a long moment.

"Because if I'm not with someone, then I'm a loser."

"So you think you're a loser?"

"Obviously, I'm a loser," Mark replies. "No one wants to be with me."

"OK," I persist. "So because Carla didn't want to date you, you think you're a loser?"

"It's not just Carla. It's also Liz, Joan, and Judy. And that's just in the last two years."

He smiles, wryly.

"So you define your success as a person by what someone else thinks of you?"

"Well..." He pauses. "Yes! How else would I define it?"

Mark is asking a great question: How do you decide your worth?

Because we humans are social animals, we often tend to base our self-esteem on others' opinions. For example, you might value yourself based on:

Whether you have a significant other

What your significant other thinks of you

How many people find you attractive

How your boss rates your performance

Whether your friends are impressed with your job or salary

Whether your neighbors admire your home

How proud your parents are of you

Mark is puzzling over this. "I do the same thing at work. If my boss isn't happy with my job then how can I feel good about my performance?"

"Do you always agree with your boss when she thinks you haven't done good work?"

"Not totally," he answers, hesitantly. "But she's the boss, so she's the one who ultimately decides how good my work is. What does it matter if I think I did my best when she thinks I messed up? She's the one who decides if I get a bonus. She's the one who decides whether or not I keep my job."

"That may be true," I say. "But you still get to decide what you think about yourself. How do you decide whether you're doing a good job or not?"

"At work?" Mark asks. "Or in dating?"

"In all of your life," I reply. "How do you rate yourself?"

Mark looks sober as he ponders the question. Finally, he answers. "I let the other person decide for me whether I'm any good."

"Mark, that's like standing on a slippery rock at the shore when the surf is rough," I say. "When someone comes along who doesn't think too highly of you, or when someone who does think highly of you disappears, your self-esteem is going to get swept away."

"But what other choice do I have?" Mark asks.

"You could start deciding for yourself how you want to think about yourself."

Mark thinks about this for a few minutes.

"That's pretty scary. How would I know I was right?"

"Well, how do you know they're right?" I counter.

Mark has his work cut out for him: To figure out what it would take for him to think well of himself.

This challenge has a huge potential payoff. I know because I see my clients do it all the time. When you determine your own standards for yourself, when you do your best to live by those standards, and when you learn to trust your own judgment about yourself, then you can feel good about yourself even in the absence of external support.

*All names and identifying details altered in this article.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com