Thoughtmail December 2006 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

Contact | Home

December 2006

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Who Goes First?

Dora* has been angry at her sister for most of her adult life. Many years ago, an elderly aunt left Anne a bequest in her will, and Dora is still seething, both because she did not receive a similar bequest, and because Anne did not share the inheritance. "I used to visit Aunt Selma as often as she did. And Anne knew I needed the money, badly. I'd just had my first son, so I wasn't working, and Tim wasn't making much back then."

Those hurt feelings, stoked by two decades of barbs and veiled insults thrown back and forth, have resulted in an icy relationship between two sisters who were once best pals.

"And you know," says Dora, "I still miss her. If only she had apologized. If only she would apologize. I really want her back in my life."

"So why don't you give her a call and let her know?" I ask.

"Why should I? She started it. She was the one who decided to be selfish. She made it pretty clear how unimportant our relationship was to her."

At this point, the facts are unimportant. Dora has her version, and, undoubtedly, Anne has hers.

Do you ever find yourself in a similar predicament? Where you want something to happen, but you think it's the other person's responsibility to make the first move?

For example:

You want to talk about an important issue with your parents, but you are waiting for them to bring up the topic

You are angry at your partner, and wait for him to ask you why you are angry, rather than telling him what has upset you

You want to have sex, but you are waiting for your girlfriend to initiate

You want to apologize to a friend after you fought with each other, but are waiting to first get the apology you think you deserve.

No matter why you think the other person should go first, waiting for him or her to make the first move is a great way to ensure that nothing will happen. Moreover, you are likely to get angry and resentful because he or she isn't doing what you want, and events aren't unfolding as you wish.

"Why are you so intent on being powerless?" I ask Dora.

"What do you mean?"

"You want something to happen, but not badly enough to do anything about it. So you're leaving the fate of your relationship in your sister's hands."

"If I mean anything to her, she should let me know. Her daughter's graduating from high school this Spring. Let's see if she invites me."

"Let me get this straight," I ask. "You miss your sister but you're willing to let your life go by without seeing her unless she decides to reach out to you?"

"That's right."

"Now, why is that?"

"She started it, so why should I..." Suddenly, Dora laughs. "I sound like I'm about 12 years old!"

"So, why aren't you making a move?" I ask.

When you are in a stuck place and don't want to be the one to initiate, you probably believe you have good reason not to act, even if you think you want change. In my work with individuals and couples, I most often hear:

She might not see things my way

He might feel differently than I do

I'll make a fool out of myself

She might not want what I want.

While Dora ultimately decides that she is interested in making the first move to rebuild her relationship with Anne, she realizes that she is terrified to do so, because Anne might reject her overture. "Deep down, I've always thought that we'd be friends again, one day. But what happens if I try and she's not interested? If I make a move, then I have to face the possibility of never being close to Anne again."

"You're right," I say. "You can make the first move, which is your best shot at getting what you want. But you can't guarantee the outcome. So now you've got to decide if you'd rather take a chance, or sit back and wait for something to happen."

That's the difficult decision all of us have to make at different points in our lives: Take action to achieve what we want, without knowing what will result; or do nothing and let others decide what will happen. As we become more resilient, it can be easier to take a chance on the outcome and make the first move.

I share this with Dora. "And here's the good news," I add. "The ability to manage yourself in difficult situations and survive disappointments is a learnable skill."

*All names and identifying details altered in this article.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Return to Thoughtmail index

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com