Thoughtmail October 2006 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

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October 2006

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

The Fine Art of Not Compromising

Al and Tom (names and identifying details changed) sit in my office, describing their dilemma.

They've been together for almost 10 years. Over the past three years, Al obtained a master's degree in a new field, and he's been vigorously job-hunting. Now he's found his ideal job. Only problem: It's in Philadelphia, and we are in Washington.

"I didn't mean to find a job 150 miles away," Al explains, apologetically. "I wasn't even looking outside of Washington. But that recruiter saw my resume, and, well, the job is exactly what I dreamed of."

"You always said that I'm exactly what you dreamed of," snaps Tom. Tom has made it clear: He's not leaving Washington. He has spent 15 years building a successful consulting business; his friends and his home are in D.C.

"Can't we somehow find a way to compromise?" Al plaintively asks.

Compromise. What does it really mean? My dictionary defines compromise as "a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions." When I think of compromise, I think of two people, each not getting what they want.

"So," I ask, "if you want to compromise, what concessions are each of you willing to make?"

"Well," Al offers, "maybe we could live in Baltimore? Each of us could take the train? It's only about an hour or so in either direction."

Tom wrinkles his nose. "I already work long hours, and if you took that job, you would too. When would we see each other if we had a two or three hour commute every day?"

Al sighs. "You have a good point."

Al and Tom are stuck in the same tough dilemma that I see people get stuck in all the time, whether it's with a partner, a parent, a child, a sibling, or a friend.

What do you do, when what you want conflicts with what the other person wants?

For example:

When you want an alcohol-free or drug-free home, and she doesn't?

When you want a monogamous relationship, and he doesn't?

When you want to celebrate religious holidays, and she doesn't?

When you like quiet evenings at home, and he prefers spending evenings out?

When you want a child, and she doesn't?

Is it really possible to compromise in these situations?

"OK, Tom," I say. "What ideas might you have?"

The irritation disappears, and Tom looks serious. "I really love Al. I want to spend my life with him. But..I can't see leaving my business, starting all over. What kind of consultant could I be in Philadelphia, anyway? And what about all my friends? I'm too old to start from scratch. And even if I could, I don't want to. It would be way too much work."

"I want to spend my life with you, too," Al breaks in. "But this is an amazing opportunity for me. It's a chance to get exactly where I want to be, professionally. If I don't take this job, I don't think anything like it will ever come around again. At least, not for a long time."

"So you both want to stay together, and you both want to have the careers you want to have. But if both of you pursue those careers, you'll be living in two different cities, not together."

They chew on this for a while.

"Can't we find some way to make it all work?"

"Maybe not," I reply.

And here it is, the dilemma that often comes with being close to another person. When your wishes conflict, both of you may not be able to have your way and stay on the same path. Rather than compromising—finding some middle way where neither of you gets what you want—you have the opportunity to get clear about what is most important to you. I invite my clients to think of this opportunity as a gift to help you clarify how you want to live your life.

"We have some hard work ahead," I tell Al and Tom. "You're going to have to figure out what each of you really wants."

"What do you mean?"

"You each want two things, but you may only get to have one of them. How are you going to figure out what to choose?"

"Well, if we stay together, one of us is going to have to give in."

"Maybe," I say.

"And that wouldn't be fair. Why should he get what he wants, and I don't?"

"Well," I answer, "if each of you waits for the other to give in, you may have a long wait. And—do you want to base your decision on what the other person will or won't do?"

"I don't get what you mean," Al says. Tom also looks puzzled.

"How about deciding what you want to do? What kind of guy you want to be in a relationship?"

"No matter what he decides to do?"

"That's right. No matter what he decides to do."

In a similar dilemma, you might decide that following your dream is what's most important to you. Or, you might decide that leaning toward the other person is more important than going after what you want.

Over the course of our work, Tom ultimately decides that he wants to stay with Al and support him in pursuing his new career. "He's worked hard to get into this field," Tom says. "I want to see him succeed, and I want to be with him." Tom has decided that for him, supporting his partner's dream is not a compromise.

When you use conflict in a relationship to clarify what you hold most dear, you get a relationship where, if you decide to stay, both of you are there for each other because you really want to be.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com