Dealing with Your Anxiety

by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

The longer I work as a psychologist, the more I realize the extent to which anxiety can interfere with our making good decisions and moving forward in life.

It is natural to feel anxious in any situation where we face change or the unknown. Anxiety can serve a useful purpose as a natural warning system. Anxiety can tell us to be aware of possible danger ahead; to stay alert; and to think clearly. Unfortunately, most of us do not respond to anxiety with clear thinking. Instead, we often panic, shut down, worry incessantly, or try to avoid whatever is causing the anxiety.

For example, suppose that you are angry at someone you love, and want to talk to that person about why you are angry, with the aim of improving your relationship. However, the idea having such a conversation makes you very anxious. Here are some ways that your anxiety might play out:

You might dwell on the fear that the talk will go badly, especially if this has been true in the past, and decide not to talk at all.
You might try to talk, but be so anxious that you are unable to speak effectively.
You might try to calm yourself down with alcohol, drugs, or some other behavior that helps you feel better temporarily, but does nothing to help you take useful action.
As a way to calm yourself, you might decide not to even think about the issue that has made you angry, so that nothing changes in your relationship.

Obviously, when anxiety gets in your way, it is hard to handle yourself well in challenging situations. If you don't want your anxiety to limit you, how can you move forward even when you feel anxious about doing so?

Many of us turn to others for reassurance or advice to help us calm down and figure out what to do. This makes sense, because most of us learned, when we were very young, that others can comfort us when we are upset. That is our parents' job, when we are small.

However, once you are an adult, there are some problems with relying too much on others to soothe you.

First, if you frequently rely on someone else, you may wear that person out if you are too needy, too often
There will likely be times when no one else is available. For example, you probably can't look to a person you love to help you soothe your anxiety, when you are having a fight with him or her.
Most importantly, once you grow up, you are the person who has the best chance of truly soothing yourself, better and more reliably than anyone else.

So here is an important question, for all of us who are sometimes derailed by anxiety: Is it possible to soothe yourself, enough so that you can move forward and make the most of your life even when you are anxious?

If you were in my office, struggling with this issue, here's how we might proceed.

Suppose you were afraid to talk to someone you love about an important issue. First, I might wonder with you what the consequences would be of talking, and of not talking.

You might decide that the risks of speaking up were so great that you would rather not do so. Perhaps your fear of "rocking the boat" would outweigh your hope that the relationship could improve. Of course, we would want to think hard about the reality of your fears, and about whether you really want to act based on fear rather than based on hope.

If you did decide that the best course of action would be to move forward despite your fear, here's what we could do next.

I would ask you to think about how you would like to act if you weren't anxious. You might respond, "I would like to speak up about what is bothering me and discuss how we might do things differently in the future." Often, a clear image of how you really want to conduct yourself can help you reduce your anxiety enough to take a step forward. In addition to this, we would look at other ways to lower the anxiety in your mind and in your body.

But don't forget that we often feel anxiety for good reason. Even when we do our best, things may not turn out well. You can speak to someone you love with care and respect about a difficult issue, and the discussion may go badly. Despite our efforts, life does not always go as we would wish.

So the next questions we might look at include:

Is it possible to believe that you can survive, even if things don't go as you would like?
Can you find some meaning or lesson for yourself in dealing with adversity?
Given that life is going to be hard at times, how do you want to conduct yourself when you are experiencing tribulation?

In struggling with these tough questions, you might well find the strength and ability to calm yourself enough to move forward.

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This article may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

~ 20 years experience ~

"I help clients create strong relationships and fulfilling lives."

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008

Ready to take the next step?
Call or e-mail Dr. Michael Radkowsky:

202.234.3278

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