Thoughtmail April 2005 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

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April 2005

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Taming Your Reactivity (Part 2)

In the last issue of Thoughtmail, I suggested that there are clear benefits to staying thoughtful and calm during tough situations. When you choose this route instead of becoming reactive, you are more likely to avoid hurtful and destructive behaviors that you might regret. Doing so makes you more likely to feel good about yourself, and gives you a better chance of creating, maintaining, and enhancing close connections with others.

Of course, staying calm is not always an easy position to attain, much less uphold.

You might think that avoiding someone who makes you angry is a way to be less reactive.

Yet, cutting yourself off from someone can itself be reactive behavior: Distance doesn't mean that you stop thinking about that person or that the connection is broken. It takes a lot of energy to pretend that the other person doesn't exist. Moreover, the people who make you angry are often also the same people you love deeply, so cutoffs are not really an option unless you want to avoid close relationships. If you are going to be in relationship to others, it is worth learning to tolerate uncomfortable situations.

Another way you might try to keep your reactivity in check would be to assume an attitude of thoughtfulness and calm even if you don't feel that way.

Sometimes, acting as if you are calm—even if you are upset—may actually help you to calm down and be more thoughtful. But beware of taking this posture just to demonstrate your superior ability to behave wisely. If you are doing anything to "stick it" to the other person or show them up, you are still being reactive, even if your behavior has the outward appearance of coming from the best in you.

So, how can you develop the ability to respond well to difficult situations? A good place to start is to develop an idea of how you would like to act when faced with anxiety.

For example, how would you like to respond:

When someone you love disappoints you deeply?

When someone you love challenges your deeply held beliefs, or encourages you to challenge your deeply held beliefs?

When someone you love treats you in a way that reminds you of painful experiences in your past?

Clearly, choosing to be less reactive in such situations is not easy work. It often means questioning cherished beliefs. You may have to give up the notion that life should always unfold as you want it to. You may have to recognize that people who are important to you do not always behave as you want them to.

In my work with individuals and couples, I help people to develop a picture of how they want to respond to life and to those they love. Then I help them to actually bring their behavior in line with that picture. Because we're human, we are always going to be reactive at times. But when you are clear about how you want to behave, it becomes easier to monitor your feelings, slow down your reactions, and act in a way that has integrity for you.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com