Thoughtmail April 2004 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

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April 2004

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Is Your Relationship Safe?

Many of us believe that we should strive to achieve a feeling of safety in our relationships with those we love. But what does safety mean? I often hear answers such as:

"My partner should always respect me"
"My friend should never hurt me"
"My partner should always meet my needs"
"My friend should love me as I am"
"My partner should never consider leaving me"
"My friend should never challenge me"
"My partner should not change from being the person I fell in love with"
"My friend should always agree with me"

Having someone always be there to support us and meet our needs sounds wonderful. However, holding that to be ideal behavior in a relationship can have some downsides. For example:

If I can't say what I really feel about something important because I might hurt you, how might this limit intimacy in our relationship?

If we have a commitment to always meet each other's needs, what happens when meeting your needs violates my needs?

Do we want to put limits on whether you and I can change or grow, because your change or my growth might disrupt our relationship?

Maintaining safety in a relationship is tricky; ironically, it can lead to increased silence and distance. For example, offering consistent respect seems like a given, until your partner does something that you do not respect. In order to be respectful, do you then keep silent, which may create distance between the two of you? Or do you speak up, and risk hurting your partner and possibly being criticized for your candor?

Establishing what safety means for you and the person you love can be extremely challenging, but also extremely rewarding. When I work with people in this area, I encourage them to consider ways in which they can take responsibility for meeting their own needs; and help them to develop flexibility and resilience. Usually, people find that doing so is hard work, and that it results in stronger, more honest, and more intimate relationships.

An example: Bill was angry because he felt that his partner Joe wasn't meeting some of his needs. "He doesn't care about things that are very important to me. Why am I in this relationship, since I always have to do things on my own?" To Bill, a safe relationship meant one where he and his partner did things that he enjoyed, together. But Joe had no interest in two of Bill's favorite hobbies—moviegoing and hiking.

Exploring Bill's reactions, we found that he didn't like going to movies alone because doing so made him feel like a "loser". One solution would have been for Bill to go to the movies with friends. Instead, Bill chose to confront his fears, soothe himself, and get comfortable going to the movies on his own.

Hiking was a different story. Bill explained to Joe that he very much wanted to share with him the beauty and serenity he encountered on his hikes.

I wondered what was behind Joe's unwillingness to participate. Did he have a true aversion to these activities, or was he making a statement about his own ability to be flexible?

As it turned out, Joe did not consider himself at all athletic and had no hiking experience. Nevertheless, he worked to stretch beyond his own idea of relationship safety (which had meant adhering to familiar, comfortable routines), and ultimately joined Bill on the trail.

Examining their own beliefs about safety, Bill and Joe both found ways to soothe their own fears, face challenges, and grow closer.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com