Thoughtmail October 2003 from Dr. Michael Radkowsky, Licensed Psychologist

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. - Licensed Psychologist

Contact | Home

October 2003

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Talking About...Better Sex

Why do we often find it so difficult to talk about sex with our intimate partners?

Most of us were never taught to do so, and have never had an example to follow. Parents generally don't model this skill to their children. It's usually not a part of sex education class. The characters we see in literature and film almost always have amazing sex without any discussion or planning. Our friends don't tell us how they approach their partners with this topic. Talking about sex with our partners is a cultural taboo.

Furthermore, revealing your sexual wants and desires to your partner can be scary. Many people find it embarrassing to share such intimate feelings; and if your partner's reaction is not positive, you are likely to feel ashamed or even humiliated. You may even fear that if you share your needs, your partner will leave you if he or she does not want to meet them, or is unable to do so.

So, why make the effort to talk about sex? Here are a few reasons:

Talking about sex is a great way to have better sex. Just like it's much easier to reach a new destination with a map, it's much easier to achieve better sex by actually talking with your partner about where you both want to go.

Revealing aspects of yourself that you have held back, out of fear or discomfort, has the potential to deepen intimacy, because you are letting your partner know you better. You might find that increased intimacy results in a more passionate and connected relationship.

While talking about sex with your partner may seem difficult or impossible to you right now, this is a skill that you can learn. I know this because I help people learn the necessary steps. One of the most important skills I can help you learn is the ability to calm yourself when you are in unfamiliar territory. Doing so will help you to:

Go forward despite your fear

Talk without falling apart

Ask questions thoughtfully

Be responsive in ways that deepen your connection

Use humor to make this topic sexy and even fun.

This is a great, life-altering skill to learn. When you know that you can survive anxiety, and that you don't have to run or shut down when you feel anxious, you can take risks to achieve all sorts of positive change in your life and in your relationships.

This Thoughtmail may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Return to Thoughtmail index

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008
202-234-3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com