Hot Topics in Couples Therapy:
Are Your Needs His Job?

by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

"What do you need from Carl?" I ask.

"I need him to be more supportive."

"Are you talking about the party?" Carl asks.

Carl is referring to an incident several months back, when Rob, who is not "out" at his workplace, declined to take Carl to his company holiday party. Carl took offense and told Rob that he should "grow up" and stop keeping his life partner a secret. Rob then became angry at Carl for not believing that coming out would jeopardize Rob's job.

"Well, if we're talking about needs," says Carl, "I don't think you're meeting my needs too well, either. I didn't sign on to have a partner who's ashamed of me. I need a partner who lets me call him at work and takes me to company events."

"What would it mean for you to have Carl be more supportive?" I ask Rob.

"He would understand that I can't be out at work."

Carl jumps in. "But I don't!"

"I'm your partner," Rob replies. "You're supposed to support me unconditionally."

"I could say the same thing," replies Carl.

In my work as a couples therapist, I see this sort of thing happen all the time: Both people in a couple believe that "it is my partner's job to meet my needs".

But is this the way relationships work best?

"What's the point of being in a couple if your partner's not going to meet your needs?" Rob states.

"What if your partner can't do what you want him to do? Or simply doesn't want to?" I counter.

He thinks for a long minute, and his anger comes up. "What am I supposed to do—accept that he's not going to give me what I need?"

Rob is asking a great question.

When we're children, and we can't take care of ourselves, it is someone else's job to meet our needs. Ideally, our parents should take that role. But when we grow up, meeting our needs becomes our own job, as difficult as that sometimes is. When we are in a relationship, our partners may help us, sometimes. But there will also be times when they don't.

You can struggle to get him, or her, to meet your needs. Or you can struggle to meet your own needs, and struggle to accept a partner who isn't always going to behave as you want.

If you and your partner are driving each other crazy, trying to control each other's behavior or attacking each other, feel free to give me a call. I can help you get clear how to behave in ways that you actually respect and feel good about, ways that will help you have a better relationship.

*All names and identifying details altered in this article.

Copyright © by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
All rights reserved in all media.

For help with your relationship, click here to learn about couples counseling in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.

This article may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

~ 15 years experience ~

"I help clients create strong relationships
and fulfilling lives."

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW
Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008

Ready to take the next step?
Call or e-mail Dr. Michael Radkowsky:

202.234.3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com

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