Avoid the High Ground

by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

"How could you say that in front of our friends?"

Max* is furious at his wife for making a snide comment, over dinner with another couple, about Max's difficulty finding a new job.

"I'm sorry I embarrassed you," Margo replies. "But I was really irritated that you blamed me for getting there thirty minutes late."

"But it was your fault!" Max spits out his words, exasperated. "I was ready to go at 6:30 and you didn't finish getting dressed until 7:15. And I sped the whole way to the restaurant! How is it my fault that we were late?"

"I would have been able to get dressed earlier if you had bothered to help me clean out the closets. It took me five hours!"

"I don't know why you needed to finish the closets before we went to dinner! It was a gorgeous day outside and with all the stress I've been under, I really wanted to go for a long bike ride. I wasn't going to spend the day cleaning the closets!"

"Did you ever think that I might have wanted to get outside, too? But the Goodwill truck was coming the next morning!" Then Margo turns to me. "He doesn't take any responsibility for anything around the house. The place is a mess, I've been trying to clean up and get rid of stuff, and he's going for bike rides."

"Really?" Max throws up his hands. "I don't take any responsibility for anything around the house? I just spent six weekends putting in a new bathroom!"

Does cleaning a closet trump a bike ride on a gorgeous day?

Does installing a bathroom trump cleaning a closet?

Fortunately, as Max and Margo's couples therapist, I don't have to decide what trumps what. In fact, there is no right answer to these questions. Yet Max and Margo each believe that they are right. They each believe that they can claim the moral high ground, and now they are at war with each other, both wanting to prove that they are right and their partner is wrong.

Max and Margo turn on me when I tell them this.

"But she could have arranged for the truck to come another day!"

"But he could have taken a shorter bike ride!"

"But!"

I interrupt: "You guys could go back and forth on this forever!"

"Well, how are we supposed to resolve this?"

"How can you resolve a matter of opinion?" I ask.

"But you told me that exercise is good for my mental health!"

"But you didn't have to go biking on the one day I needed to get everything ready for the pickup!"

They go back and forth like this several more times. I look at them, they look at me, and eventually they look at each other and burst out laughing. Good, I think. They get my point.

But then the room darkens again. "You made me look bad in front of our friends! That's not right!"

"Do you think that one snide remark justifies another?" I ask.

They're quiet again, as they take this in.

"And if he won't help me when I need help? Should I just let him go on his bike ride?"

"And am I just supposed to keep silent when she humiliates me in front of our friends?"

Margo and Max are raising great questions, ones that all couples must consider. What do you do when the other person takes a position that you don't like; or does something that upsets, annoys, or disappoints you? What do you do when you believe that you have the moral high ground?

You can threaten or cajole. You can retaliate in some way, whether through anger or silence. Threats and retaliation turn the two of you into adversaries, and only serve to create distance between you in the absence of any real solution.

Or, you can decide that you don't have the moral high ground and find another way to respond. I'll be exploring this route in my next article.

If you are struggling with your partner, fighting over who is right, caught in a cycle of wounding and retaliating, feel free to give me a call. I will be glad to help you find a path to a stronger and more supportive relationship.

* All names and identifying details altered in this article.

For help with your relationship, click here to learn about couples counseling in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.

Click here to learn about individual therapy in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.

This article may be forwarded in full without special permission, provided that it is used for not-for-profit purposes, and provided that full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes, contact Michael Radkowsky at michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

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Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist

~ 20 years experience ~

"I help clients create strong relationships and fulfilling lives."

3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 137
Washington, DC 20008

Ready to take the next step?
Call or e-mail Dr. Michael Radkowsky:

202.234.3278

michael@personalgrowthzone.com
www.personalgrowthzone.com